The burrito diaries

how to stop worrying and love burritos

today is a good day for science, for we have finally found a solution to the terrible problem that has plagued billions if not trillions of citizens across the galaxy
<sits in chair backwards>
here's the breakdown, kids:

the tail ends of a burrito consist of a high proportion and surface area of folded tortilla that cause excessive energy waste in a chewing activity that provides little to no flavor benefits.  we will refer to these ends as 'pits of gluten-y', or 'pits' for short, and the activity as 'chumping'.  we propose a system that liberates the user from chumping while simultaneously improving his or her social relations.

fig. i: flavor efficiency of a burrito along its longitudinal axis

the first step is to offer a pit as first bite rites to a friend, relative, or associate accompanying the user. in doing so, the pit will be removed at no cost to the user and the burritos wonderful inner contents will be uncapped and unsealed for pleasurable consumption.  the offering of the first bite rite is considered across many races and species an act of kindness, selflessness, and hospitality.  this elevates the respect and opinion of the user in the eye of the chumper.

the next step is to consume and enjoy the burrito. the user will immediately enter the blissful flavor mesa charted in figure i.  the goal for the user is to now consume the burrito at a pace that is both pleasurable and expedient enough to have most if not all of the burrito consumed by the time the chumper requests another bite.  on average the amount of time the chumper spends chumping the pit into a digestible state has been equal to that of the time it takes the user to consume about a quarter of the burrito at an average pace.  in addition, empirical studies have shown that at the end of chumping, chumpers spend on average another quarter to half-burrito-time to usually excuse themselves to either lay down, procure and consume a beverage, and/or wish they hadn't taken the first bite rite like a disgusting gluttonous pig.  this will usually leave the user three-quarters a way into the burrito when the chumper is again ready to consume.  this period is known as the 'chump coma'.  a slight drawback of the offering of the first bite rite is the perceived genuine hospitality of the user - the chumper will typically have no qualms about requesting another bite.  therefore, a slightly increased rate of consumption is advised.

fig. ii: chumping time distribution v. burrito consumption

when the user has reached the end of the burrito, a few situations may play out.  depending on the nature of the burrito, the contents may have in fact shifted downwards and reduced the area of the end-pit, in essence increasing the flavor efficiency of the end pit.  we refer to this phenomenon as the flavor-shift, an flavor efficiency altering effect of a burrito pit as a result of gravitational disturbance.  as the  flavor efficiency will not equal that of the middle of the burrito and this is about the time the chumper usually begins poking around for another bite, the user may either offer the end pit as a final and bonus gesture of hospitality or, if the user is fast enough, consume the end pit.  it is noted that offering the end pit to a chumper when its flavor efficiency has met the users consumable threshold qualification provides a significant boost to the chumper's respect of the user.  from the point of view of the chumper, the first bite was a stale mass of tepidity.  however, the sociological first bite rite effect makes the chumper negate the quality of the pit and still hold the user in high regard.  now the second and last bite is, from the view of the chumper, significantly increased in flavor efficiency. upon consumption, the chumper experiences a 'save the best for last' effect and a significant boost is seen in the chumper's respect for the user.

fig. iii: flavor-shift phenomenon
note maximum end-pit flavor saturation

some burritos have not been found to exhibit the flavor-shift phenomenon due to either the nature of its contents of the consumption of the burrito in a low-gravity environment.  in these cases, it is highly recommended that the pit be offered to the chumper as a second and final gesture of kindness.  though this second bite will not induce the 'save the best for last' effect, it will nevertheless offer a positive boost the the chumper's and user's relations.